Lost Privacy

The saddest thing that can happen to a person is when he/she loses his/her privacy under circumstances he/she can’t control. And to top of the sadness by talking about this sadness, this current situation is currently happening to yours truly. 

Being the guardian of the girls in the school residence, for 3 years of my service I used to have a room all to myself. A room I slept in every night of weeks I am on my duty. A room I be in when girls have problems to talk to me about. A room in where I worked my ass off every evening to make sure I don’t have overnight work. And a room where I used as my personal and private corner I have all to myself. But now no more, since the new school policy is : guardians need to share rooms with other guardians. Reason stated : budget issues. 

I’m tired of always taking care of losses the school is making. And I’m even more tired to initiate new things and build blocks to make the school stronger where as I’ve never been appreciated with a free thank you note or even a bigger paycheck that allows me to pay my car debt every month. I’m tired of always putting my girls upfront, feeling flattered by pats at the backs because right now it means just nothing to me. I don’t need a pat at the back, I need a bigger paycheck to sustain our lives. 

Why not opt for a change, I asked myself. It’s not like I owe anything to this current place, and it’s not like I’ve been given the most special treatment here. 


What does it take to care for myself?

I still couldn’t live past the fact on how much I have neglected taking care of myself, for these past few years just to catch up on other persons’ lives. My husband reminded me of that, and being myself (who is never positive when accepting criticism), I flipped, tumbled emotionally and started to hate myself for being this piece of garbage. It doesn’t occur to me that I’ve been bad to myself, to my body and to my mental. But somehow, my husband sees it, and when he does, I could feel his regrets pouring out through his eyes every time he expected me to do something about all those that he has mentioned. I’ve been failing, so far.

It hurts to feel like you’re the most disgusting person in the world to the person who matters most to you. It hurts like mad and I’m not even trying to line up words to describe how bad this feels. I mentioned above, it feels like being a piece of garbage. I feel violated, because I was given more love and attention before getting married rather than after, and I feel even more heartbroken when I was told that it’s all my own fault. Plus, I’m baking a bun in my oven and it means that I’ve a lot of crazy hormones playing inside me and it has not been helpful since. The happiest thing during this pregnancy to me is that, we’re having a baby soon and it will change our worlds. But all the other stuffs, sigh I would just feel bad and wrong to list them all out. In the nutshell, it’s all stress and tears.

Being a teacher to 80 girls in a school is not an easy task too, to be honest. I had to care for all these 80 girls (no matter how nice, childish, egoistic, selfish, or evil they are) and caring for these girls is a toll to myself. Sometimes I would like to remind myself that these girls are not my own flesh and blood, that I shouldn’t focus to much on them but at the same time, how can I not do so. However yes, my life has been effected by this and since I can’t afford to feel unloved by my husband, I figured out that I’m going to need to change my routines.

Nevertheless, I feel the needs to ask this question : what does it take to care for myself? I was prettier and hotter yes when I was younger. But now, it’s work + stress + all other judgmental existing people that I meet, which made it harder for me to be prettier and hotter for an age-growing lady like me. Ah to make it sound even worse, I’m only 26 years old and all this is happening during this first quarter of my life!

Just keep swimming, Little Daisie!

Today I felt the most of Little Daisy’s kicks! At first it felt like wind passing through somewhere in my belly, but a little awhile later I was sure that it felt a bit different. I then had my palm on my tummy to wait for the same feeling again and there I go! Baby Daisy kicked! The kick was not very strong, but it made me smile! I guess now I am able to differentiate my baby’s kick!

Heavy like a watermelon!

I was walking towards hub’s usual lunch place here in Lumut, all of a grand sudden I felt like I was carrying a medium sized watermelon on my belly. I felt heavy and my feet can’t really with hold the weight of the aforementioned watermelon. Geez, I really can’t hide my belly anymore!

I have been successfully keeping my pregnancy a secret (shhh) among my friends. Well, my colleagues and all of my girls obviously had to know about it because they were the reason I had my first check up to confirm that I was having a baby. Other than that, maybe 2/3 other close friends learned about my pregnancy as I needed some other young mommies to guide me through this wonderful journey being a first time mom. Some would ask, why would I want to keep this gift a secret? It’s a personal choice, plus me being nervous and having high expectations on everything (myself particularly), I am very sure to myself that it’s not the right moment to crack the news yet. Also, I don’t want to boast around especially to moms married more years than me but have not had a baby yet. I know how bad it feels.

Baby is 20 weeks old here. 

My little baby flower is 22 weeks old now, meaning that I’ve 18 more weeks to go! And 18 weeks from now is the 7th of December (screammmmmmmmmms). Well it might be earlier or later, I found out that the EDD (estimated date of delivery) given by my gynecologist is not accurate. Perhaps it’s due to me having 2 different gynecologists (1 in Bandar Enstek and 1 more back in my hometown). We’ll see.

Oh and another thing I can’t possibly hide anymore, are those ugly acne breakouts on my face! I thought I’m supposed to have a glowing complexion where everyone would be jealous about? My nose is swollen, I have 2 new acne on the right side of my cheeks, pores are huge as ever. My forehead is also filled with rashes and red spots all over. (I bought products from Clinique to renew my skin, will blog about it next!)