Today is just a very stressful day. And when I’m stressed out, I tend to think a lot, reminisce to the past especially when I am not doing anything (thus this post). My master’s degree, the fact that I should be working but I’m not, house work or chores, finance and baby Daisie’s well being : these are the things that have been taking it’s toll on me. I’m not rambling at how hard I need to do all that but I sometimes just want to be understood and be told “hey, it’s ok… take a little time off having dessert… don’t stress yourself out because you’re wonderful… you’ve done a great job…“.
So what’s the utmost issue that stresses me out today : not being able to sit for my exams in the embassy but to pay an hourly fee to a language centre that costs a lot and having to be away from baby Daisie for a few hours. I mean… who’s going to take care of her during my absence? Sigh.
Totally different topic here :
I’ve been thinking and I’ve always tried to console myself asking myself not to think et cetera. But I feel like to some people, I worth nothing to them and I will always be a person who is not as respected as I should be. I realize that I’m not as good as a good Muslim should be, but everyday is really trying to me. But it probably is my fault as people judge according to what they see. Sometimes I feel like time’s eating and I miss whatever that happens in the past. I know I have Daisie now and I should be a role model but it would be so taxing to always have to be a role model. I just want to be happier, and I want Daisie to be happy too. The reality is, I don’t see how and I’m struggling.
I count my blessing everyday and as much as I love it, something isn’t right and nothing happy is happening around. I’m tired, and I just want to lay myself down beside Daisie in a comfortable place with fresh air and nice stuffs around.