When she cries…

Today (or I rather say lately) things have gone really bad for me and thus worsen my anger management. Today was such a bad day that I hope it will never happen again anytime. 

I attended my students’ graduation at school today, and we had a really great time gathering, talking and taking pictures. We were supposed to have dinner together after maghrib at Decanter, but the ceremony ended early so I decided to drop by at my sister’s after the graduation to bathe Daisie and rest for a bit and go to Decanter at 6pm to be able to reach by 7. 

I should have known, that the traffic will be extra mad at that hour as people would be rushing home from work to make it for iftar but I didn’t expect for Daisie to be that cranky because she is always calm and she would always sleep in the car. But she didn’t. She cried so much and so loudly for such a long time and I was under this stress that if it prolonged and I didn’t find a way out, I think I would ramp into cars! The traffic was efffffing bad. And Daisie kept on screaming and I kept on screaming at her and she screamed back with so much tears rolling on her cheeks and I panicked, at the same time screaming I felt guilty but she kept on shouting so I was really under a lot of stress! It was the worst. I couldn’t describe how bad it is but it was very bad. Horrible. The worst day of my life. The worst things I’ve done to Daisie. Worst. 

So what happened that I didn’t ramp into cars? As usual when there’s traffic jam in Malaysia particularly Kuala Lumpur on the Federal Highway during working hours both direction (if you read this you better off avoid this damn road), cars will always use the emergency lane and police will always be on standby at the emergency lane to catch these buggers. I figured out that I’ll use the emergency lane and go as fast as I could to reach a place I would stop, and if there’s police, I’ll tell them that I need to nurse my baby. Little did I know, cars tried to go into the left lane because there were legit police cars on standby. I screamed again with my emergency lights on, like “move away!! I’m on emergency here!!!” I drove all the way and stopped right in front of the police. Well he saw my car and he gave me a weird look and I guess he figured that I’m really on emergency. I winded down my window and it just happened that I cried and told him could you please let me nurse my baby she’s very hungry. The man could see Daisie crying so he let me, not only that he actually told his colleagues so that they won’t bug me! I quickly carried Daisie out of her seat and put her onto my arms and there she was… suckling and snuggling into my bosom and I felt a relief. A guilty relieve but I was also thankful to be able to have her in my arms. 

Eventually Daisie nursed till she slept and I almost wanted to tell my students and ex-colleagues that I’m not making to the dinner and I wanted to have Daisie sleeping in my arms forever there. Hahaha. A few mins after she slept, I placed her on the seat but she refused to so I carried and sooth her a little till she got well. I thanked the policeman so much, what a kind man he is and I am really genuinely thankful, may Allah blesses him and all kind policeman for making the world a better place. 

But I’m still mad at myself for screaming at Daisie. I am such a sick lil woman I wish I could smack myself to wake up from being such a bad mother šŸ™

It’s these kinda bad and sore memories that will be forever in my mind and I will find it so hard to forgive myself. This is the 3rd time of me yelling at her but this time is the worst. Ya Allah please make me a better mom and please place more patience in me…

Crying when held by mami Sarah… cranky lil girl! This is how it looks like when she cries!
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