Last night you nursed for very long and you refused to go to sleep. But Mommy was already tired of being in nursing position. You were unsatisfied. You wanted to be coddled. So mommy brushed your hair and sang you “My Sunshine”, because Mommy is Daisie’s “my sunshine” and Daisie is Mommy’s “my sunshine”.
I took your hands and you placed them in front of me. I gave you your bolster but you refused. You wanted to hug my hand instead. I gave. With a subtly cracked voice, I sang to you. You closed your eyes and held my hands with your tiny fingers. I could feel love. I hummed and stopped, and there you were, softly asleep.
I’ve heard of a horrible news. A best friend of ours (a nice woman we used to be so close with when we were in France) lost her husband to a fatal accident. Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiun. May he be placed among the righteous.
To hear such news in such early morning is really saddening, and it makes me re-think of the existence of life, all the time. Last week, we had someone close passing away too. My husband’s granny’s cousin who has turned into her sister and a very close friend, passed away.
What do you tell to these dear ones, when their loved ones pass away? Do you tell them to be patient, and why do you even tell them to be strong when it’s such a hardest test of all. I can’t imagine, and I won’t wanna imagine if demises like this happen to me. 😦 It would be so horrible, and I would be so traumatised and so saddened, and there will probably be absolutely no words coming out of me.
Still, I do hope and pray that my best friend, Ilani, will still be as strong as she could be. And I hope and pray that every one will be able to have patience to endure this hardship, and may Allah really replace their lost with betterments.
This picture was taken during your wedding day. Years have passed, and our gaps have widened. But never a day in my life you’re absent from my thoughts. If there’s somehow a way I can tell you that I’ve missed you so much and that you’ll always be in my heart, I will. But I’ll wait a little, to tell you that.
I love you no matter what. – I guess everyone would have said this before, regardless if it’s said to their partners, parents or like in my case, my dear daughter.
I do love her, so much, no matter what. But at the same time, being patient (for the umpteenth times) is just so difficult. Babies might have their tantrum but parents do too. Like today, my anger was passed to Little Daisie – I was mad at my dear hubby for playing his games on the phone and Daisie almost fell from the bed while I was cleaning up after bathing Daisie. (Why do all men play games anyway?) And when Daisie shows her tantrum, ahhh… that’s just the right time for me to scream, shout and sigh out loud.
Being a mother is by far, the most difficult task that I have ever needed to do. Nevertheless I love being a mother especially to Daisie and having her in my life has changed me so much. One of my ex-students told me that she has foreseen that I will not be a mother that soon, but seeing me being submissive to my little one was such a shocking sight to her. Being a mother changed my priorities… Daisie will always be put first in line, where as my husband who was once numéro un is now numéro deux. Having Daisie in my life showed me that I could love someone more than the love I thought I had for my husband. Eternal and unconditional.
Dear Daisie, please forgive mommy if mommy is always screaming and shouting at you. 😦
Today (or I rather say lately) things have gone really bad for me and thus worsen my anger management. Today was such a bad day that I hope it will never happen again anytime.
I attended my students’ graduation at school today, and we had a really great time gathering, talking and taking pictures. We were supposed to have dinner together after maghrib at Decanter, but the ceremony ended early so I decided to drop by at my sister’s after the graduation to bathe Daisie and rest for a bit and go to Decanter at 6pm to be able to reach by 7.
I should have known, that the traffic will be extra mad at that hour as people would be rushing home from work to make it for iftar but I didn’t expect for Daisie to be that cranky because she is always calm and she would always sleep in the car. But she didn’t. She cried so much and so loudly for such a long time and I was under this stress that if it prolonged and I didn’t find a way out, I think I would ramp into cars! The traffic was efffffing bad. And Daisie kept on screaming and I kept on screaming at her and she screamed back with so much tears rolling on her cheeks and I panicked, at the same time screaming I felt guilty but she kept on shouting so I was really under a lot of stress! It was the worst. I couldn’t describe how bad it is but it was very bad. Horrible. The worst day of my life. The worst things I’ve done to Daisie. Worst.
So what happened that I didn’t ramp into cars? As usual when there’s traffic jam in Malaysia particularly Kuala Lumpur on the Federal Highway during working hours both direction (if you read this you better off avoid this damn road), cars will always use the emergency lane and police will always be on standby at the emergency lane to catch these buggers. I figured out that I’ll use the emergency lane and go as fast as I could to reach a place I would stop, and if there’s police, I’ll tell them that I need to nurse my baby. Little did I know, cars tried to go into the left lane because there were legit police cars on standby. I screamed again with my emergency lights on, like “move away!! I’m on emergency here!!!” I drove all the way and stopped right in front of the police. Well he saw my car and he gave me a weird look and I guess he figured that I’m really on emergency. I winded down my window and it just happened that I cried and told him could you please let me nurse my baby she’s very hungry. The man could see Daisie crying so he let me, not only that he actually told his colleagues so that they won’t bug me! I quickly carried Daisie out of her seat and put her onto my arms and there she was… suckling and snuggling into my bosom and I felt a relief. A guilty relieve but I was also thankful to be able to have her in my arms.
Eventually Daisie nursed till she slept and I almost wanted to tell my students and ex-colleagues that I’m not making to the dinner and I wanted to have Daisie sleeping in my arms forever there. Hahaha. A few mins after she slept, I placed her on the seat but she refused to so I carried and sooth her a little till she got well. I thanked the policeman so much, what a kind man he is and I am really genuinely thankful, may Allah blesses him and all kind policeman for making the world a better place.
But I’m still mad at myself for screaming at Daisie. I am such a sick lil woman I wish I could smack myself to wake up from being such a bad mother 🙁
It’s these kinda bad and sore memories that will be forever in my mind and I will find it so hard to forgive myself. This is the 3rd time of me yelling at her but this time is the worst. Ya Allah please make me a better mom and please place more patience in me…
Baby Daisie is turning 4 months in 7 days! Oh my gosh, time really flies when you’re having fun. Fun? Yah fun. I’m definitely having fun taking care my little one being a stay-at-home mother and a full time housewife. Well this might sound sarcastic but I promise you, it’s not. I really love and enjoy my time spent with my dear Daisie despite her being cranky but that happens really rarely. I love how it’s so easy, me, being her mother and how much she finds comfort with me.
Time has passed by too fast that it amazes me how I’ve not managed to see Daisie’s growth pace. She has grown so fast in size and in maturity. Being a stay-at-home mother really enables me to watch over her 24/7 and I’m really making sure that she turns out well. Indeed she turned out well and I’m thankful for that Alhamdulillah.
Saying this, it also amazes and at the same time saddens me to think and see how my parents have aged, this I thought a while ago when I see my mother’s face starting to be wrinklish. She never had that before this. And us, as daughters who had to follow where our husbands are, only get to see them maybe once in 2 months, when we used to see them everyday during our younger days. So I guess when Daisie turns 25, she would think that way too.
Anywho, I can’t wait to be spending time with my sisters and nieces soon in KL. It’s been long and I miss them!
I can’t believe that I’m about to be a mom, in less than 48 hours! (Hopefully…) I’m still seriously wondering on how am I going to be as a mother, and how will my husband be as a father. It’s so nerve wrecking at the same time exciting to know that we’re receiving our bundle of joy very very soon, but not knowing how parenting would work for us. I really hope that things will work out very well for us, despite any hardships that we’re going to face and I just hope that both my husband and I will be ready and have lots of patience in regards to educating our child (or children).
Baby Daisie’s set to see the world tomorrow, 16th of December 2016 but I have a feeling that she’s not going to come out yet tomorrow. She loves staying inside my tummy I guess! Doctor Jason (my gynae) from Bagan Specialist Center Butterworth (will blog about this hospital soon) told me that Daisie would be out in 7 days from the 5th of December, which technically means that I would see her on the 12th of December (12/12/16 what a nice date and it falls on the same date as our Prophet pbuh’s birthday too!) but she hasn’t arrived yet so I guess, she really loves it in there! Hihi. We have scheduled an inducing labor for Saturday in case I don’t experience any contraction tomorrow. Well I don’t think it’s any of Daisie’s fault, as when I went for the last check up 2 days ago, Doctor Jason told me that baby’s head is 2 centimeters away from the outlet, so it’s actually –> me <— as my uterus and the whole system is not ready for labor yet! Bad mommy!
I can’t wait for my husband to be back tomorrow night, and off to the hospital we go Saturday morning! (Real early, appointment is set to be at 7 am!) I’m nervous, i’m excited, I can’t wait, I look forward, I’m a little bit scared of the pain, and gosh I can’t really sleep right now thinking of it! One last planning for us tomorrow night before having an additional to the family, let’s maybe have a date only the both of us husband and wife tomorrow somewhere having dessert or something!