I Love You No Matter What…

I love you no matter what. – I guess everyone would have said this before, regardless if it’s said to their partners, parents or like in my case, my dear daughter. 

I do love her, so much, no matter what. But at the same time, being patient (for the umpteenth times) is just so difficult. Babies might have their tantrum but parents do too. Like today, my anger was passed to Little Daisie – I was mad at my dear hubby for playing his games on the phone and Daisie almost fell from the bed while I was cleaning up after bathing Daisie. (Why do all men play games anyway?) And when Daisie shows her tantrum, ahhh… that’s just the right time for me to scream, shout and sigh out loud. 

Being a mother is by far, the most difficult task that I have ever needed to do. Nevertheless I love being a mother especially to Daisie and having her in my life has changed me so much. One of my ex-students told me that she has foreseen that I will not be a mother that soon, but seeing me being submissive to my little one was such a shocking sight to her. Being a mother changed my priorities… Daisie will always be put first in line, where as my husband who was once numéro un is now numéro deux. Having Daisie in my life showed me that I could love someone more than the love I thought I had for my husband. Eternal and unconditional. 

Baby Daisie and her teether ❤️

Dear Daisie, please forgive mommy if mommy is always screaming and shouting at you. 😦

Mommy loves you no matter what. 

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Why do unconditionnal, romantic, expressing and sweet uttered love end when we sign the marriage contract? Does this happen to everyone, or does this only happen to very few? God is great, but why does this admittedly unconditionnal love becomes conditionnal when one of the partners suffer change not because we want to but because we’re under pressure? Of all people, why do I have to be silently living with this even though I’ve been the one who sacrificed the most out of this relationship? And besides all these, why do I still love my husband no matter what I am put into. 

What does it take to care for myself?

I still couldn’t live past the fact on how much I have neglected taking care of myself, for these past few years just to catch up on other persons’ lives. My husband reminded me of that, and being myself (who is never positive when accepting criticism), I flipped, tumbled emotionally and started to hate myself for being this piece of garbage. It doesn’t occur to me that I’ve been bad to myself, to my body and to my mental. But somehow, my husband sees it, and when he does, I could feel his regrets pouring out through his eyes every time he expected me to do something about all those that he has mentioned. I’ve been failing, so far.

It hurts to feel like you’re the most disgusting person in the world to the person who matters most to you. It hurts like mad and I’m not even trying to line up words to describe how bad this feels. I mentioned above, it feels like being a piece of garbage. I feel violated, because I was given more love and attention before getting married rather than after, and I feel even more heartbroken when I was told that it’s all my own fault. Plus, I’m baking a bun in my oven and it means that I’ve a lot of crazy hormones playing inside me and it has not been helpful since. The happiest thing during this pregnancy to me is that, we’re having a baby soon and it will change our worlds. But all the other stuffs, sigh I would just feel bad and wrong to list them all out. In the nutshell, it’s all stress and tears.

Being a teacher to 80 girls in a school is not an easy task too, to be honest. I had to care for all these 80 girls (no matter how nice, childish, egoistic, selfish, or evil they are) and caring for these girls is a toll to myself. Sometimes I would like to remind myself that these girls are not my own flesh and blood, that I shouldn’t focus to much on them but at the same time, how can I not do so. However yes, my life has been effected by this and since I can’t afford to feel unloved by my husband, I figured out that I’m going to need to change my routines.

Nevertheless, I feel the needs to ask this question : what does it take to care for myself? I was prettier and hotter yes when I was younger. But now, it’s work + stress + all other judgmental existing people that I meet, which made it harder for me to be prettier and hotter for an age-growing lady like me. Ah to make it sound even worse, I’m only 26 years old and all this is happening during this first quarter of my life!