Last night you nursed for very long and you refused to go to sleep. But Mommy was already tired of being in nursing position. You were unsatisfied. You wanted to be coddled. So mommy brushed your hair and sang you “My Sunshine”, because Mommy is Daisie’s “my sunshine” and Daisie is Mommy’s “my sunshine”.
I took your hands and you placed them in front of me. I gave you your bolster but you refused. You wanted to hug my hand instead. I gave. With a subtly cracked voice, I sang to you. You closed your eyes and held my hands with your tiny fingers. I could feel love. I hummed and stopped, and there you were, softly asleep.
I love you no matter what. – I guess everyone would have said this before, regardless if it’s said to their partners, parents or like in my case, my dear daughter.
I do love her, so much, no matter what. But at the same time, being patient (for the umpteenth times) is just so difficult. Babies might have their tantrum but parents do too. Like today, my anger was passed to Little Daisie – I was mad at my dear hubby for playing his games on the phone and Daisie almost fell from the bed while I was cleaning up after bathing Daisie. (Why do all men play games anyway?) And when Daisie shows her tantrum, ahhh… that’s just the right time for me to scream, shout and sigh out loud.
Being a mother is by far, the most difficult task that I have ever needed to do. Nevertheless I love being a mother especially to Daisie and having her in my life has changed me so much. One of my ex-students told me that she has foreseen that I will not be a mother that soon, but seeing me being submissive to my little one was such a shocking sight to her. Being a mother changed my priorities… Daisie will always be put first in line, where as my husband who was once numéro un is now numéro deux. Having Daisie in my life showed me that I could love someone more than the love I thought I had for my husband. Eternal and unconditional.
Dear Daisie, please forgive mommy if mommy is always screaming and shouting at you. 😦
This year’s Ramadhan is a whole new level of challenging month, and very different from the previous years of Ramadhan. It was my 4th year observing the fast and the holyness of the month although I think I might have not gained as much benefit as I’ve gained during the previous years.
Last year especially since I was pregnant, I was not able to fast most of the time because of dehydration and fatigue plus whatnots – and also merely because I was still a teacher and I was using my energy and voice to teach / talk / think. It was hard, with the stuffs I would have to carry to school and back everyday. This year since I was not working anymore, I thought that it would definitely be easier but it definitely was not – breastfeeding. But who would have thought that I managed to fast. The first week although, I had fever and flu I guess from the fasting so right there I had to miss. There definitely are opinions stating that we don’t have to fast (mothers – pregnant or breastfeeding) and we just have to feed the poor not even have to make it.
Anywho, it was indeed my fourth year and being a little weak to fast has drawn so much judgement to this self. Example, said things like how an adult has to manage fasting because of it’s physical being able to, how when I didn’t fast and it is something to be embarassed of, or maybe the fact that I missed some days is a huge deal for some. But even if it is sinful, isn’t it supposed to be a problem between you and Allah?
This year worst still, I did not manage to pray tarawikh even once. I had to take care of Daisie, well it’s not that I am using her as an excuse to not fast (I could have done tarawikh when she is in deep sleep say around 1am to before Fajr) but I got tired too and had to wake up at 4am to prepare food for sahoor (and am not using that as an excuse for not performing tarawikh! And tahajood! Omg). But having people surrounding telling me things like “hey no fret, it’s ok” / “you’re awesome because you put your husband and baby first before you” / “let me buy you coffee just so you can feel better” is so cool (even it’s just a quote / post e.g. from Sh. Omar Suleiman or NAK). At least it made me feel good. Rather than those telling me how others can do so can I.
I wanted Ramadhan to end because I couldn’t do much and I was constantly tired. But at the same time I want it to be Ramadhan all the time because of the rewards.
Positively, don’t fret. Cause we’re not alone in this. There’s definitely Allah who is with us all the time, and please if there are other mothers out there who feel the same, please do say hi. We are so in need of supports yo!
Today (or I rather say lately) things have gone really bad for me and thus worsen my anger management. Today was such a bad day that I hope it will never happen again anytime.
I attended my students’ graduation at school today, and we had a really great time gathering, talking and taking pictures. We were supposed to have dinner together after maghrib at Decanter, but the ceremony ended early so I decided to drop by at my sister’s after the graduation to bathe Daisie and rest for a bit and go to Decanter at 6pm to be able to reach by 7.
I should have known, that the traffic will be extra mad at that hour as people would be rushing home from work to make it for iftar but I didn’t expect for Daisie to be that cranky because she is always calm and she would always sleep in the car. But she didn’t. She cried so much and so loudly for such a long time and I was under this stress that if it prolonged and I didn’t find a way out, I think I would ramp into cars! The traffic was efffffing bad. And Daisie kept on screaming and I kept on screaming at her and she screamed back with so much tears rolling on her cheeks and I panicked, at the same time screaming I felt guilty but she kept on shouting so I was really under a lot of stress! It was the worst. I couldn’t describe how bad it is but it was very bad. Horrible. The worst day of my life. The worst things I’ve done to Daisie. Worst.
So what happened that I didn’t ramp into cars? As usual when there’s traffic jam in Malaysia particularly Kuala Lumpur on the Federal Highway during working hours both direction (if you read this you better off avoid this damn road), cars will always use the emergency lane and police will always be on standby at the emergency lane to catch these buggers. I figured out that I’ll use the emergency lane and go as fast as I could to reach a place I would stop, and if there’s police, I’ll tell them that I need to nurse my baby. Little did I know, cars tried to go into the left lane because there were legit police cars on standby. I screamed again with my emergency lights on, like “move away!! I’m on emergency here!!!” I drove all the way and stopped right in front of the police. Well he saw my car and he gave me a weird look and I guess he figured that I’m really on emergency. I winded down my window and it just happened that I cried and told him could you please let me nurse my baby she’s very hungry. The man could see Daisie crying so he let me, not only that he actually told his colleagues so that they won’t bug me! I quickly carried Daisie out of her seat and put her onto my arms and there she was… suckling and snuggling into my bosom and I felt a relief. A guilty relieve but I was also thankful to be able to have her in my arms.
Eventually Daisie nursed till she slept and I almost wanted to tell my students and ex-colleagues that I’m not making to the dinner and I wanted to have Daisie sleeping in my arms forever there. Hahaha. A few mins after she slept, I placed her on the seat but she refused to so I carried and sooth her a little till she got well. I thanked the policeman so much, what a kind man he is and I am really genuinely thankful, may Allah blesses him and all kind policeman for making the world a better place.
But I’m still mad at myself for screaming at Daisie. I am such a sick lil woman I wish I could smack myself to wake up from being such a bad mother 🙁
It’s these kinda bad and sore memories that will be forever in my mind and I will find it so hard to forgive myself. This is the 3rd time of me yelling at her but this time is the worst. Ya Allah please make me a better mom and please place more patience in me…
Last year today was a really special day that I’m forever grateful of. Last year today, I found out that I was pregnant with baby Daisie. Let’s throwback to what happened and how it happened.
On Thursday, 21st of April 2016 the evening, my colleagues and I were supposed to have a game of basketball. At that time I was feeling pukey and always drowsy, and I totally thought that it was caused by the diet I was on (I was on a period of substituting my meals with protein shakes and was doing lots of sports). One of the sports’ couch found out that it wasn’t right that I am feeling this pukey so she didn’t allow me to play and asked me to go and check whether I’m pregnant or not. But I (as usual) wasn’t intrigued, didn’t want to be too bothered because my period was always irregular. Just to clear my mind of things and be sure, I went to a drugstore that night to get a pregnancy test kit, and I peed on it.
Peed on it, the first line was bright and the second line was super duper fade. And being the un-intrigued me, I threw the stick in the garbage bin and I thought that the fade line doesn’t mean a thing. Texted my sister and she said CONGRATULATIONS YOU’RE PREGNANT! Wow I was so surprised, I didn’t expect being pregnant, and just to be sure again, the following day I went to the doctor for a scan. Indeed, I was pregnant. In the sonogram, we could see the sac.
Indeed it was a good news, so I broke it to my husband who was staying in Lumut for about 2 weeks. Our feelings were quite undescribable at that moment as we didn’t know what to feel. But of course a while on, we were so happy and grateful that this happened, and then the amazing pregnancy experience that both of us have lived for nearly ten months! And, at that moment I’ve already knew that Daisie would be the name for our baby if she was a girl and indeed she is. ❤️
Baby Daisie, if you happen to read this, please always remember that at this moment of mommy’s life, I’ve never been happier, to know that you’re about the arrive in our lives. When you came, it was at the perfect time for daddy and mommy because we were not that happy and ever since we learnt about you, we couldn’t be more grateful although there are a few hiccups here and there in our relationship. Alhamdulillah, may Allah always bless us with this feeling of happiness and blissfulness, today was the throwback day that I knew I need to note it down so that you’ll be able to read it some day when you’re older. Daddy and mommy have loved you so much even when you were in the tiny sac in the scan above. ❤️
Today is just a very stressful day. And when I’m stressed out, I tend to think a lot, reminisce to the past especially when I am not doing anything (thus this post). My master’s degree, the fact that I should be working but I’m not, house work or chores, finance and baby Daisie’s well being : these are the things that have been taking it’s toll on me. I’m not rambling at how hard I need to do all that but I sometimes just want to be understood and be told “hey, it’s ok… take a little time off having dessert… don’t stress yourself out because you’re wonderful… you’ve done a great job…“.
So what’s the utmost issue that stresses me out today : not being able to sit for my exams in the embassy but to pay an hourly fee to a language centre that costs a lot and having to be away from baby Daisie for a few hours. I mean… who’s going to take care of her during my absence? Sigh.
Totally different topic here :
I’ve been thinking and I’ve always tried to console myself asking myself not to think et cetera. But I feel like to some people, I worth nothing to them and I will always be a person who is not as respected as I should be. I realize that I’m not as good as a good Muslim should be, but everyday is really trying to me. But it probably is my fault as people judge according to what they see. Sometimes I feel like time’s eating and I miss whatever that happens in the past. I know I have Daisie now and I should be a role model but it would be so taxing to always have to be a role model. I just want to be happier, and I want Daisie to be happy too. The reality is, I don’t see how and I’m struggling.
I count my blessing everyday and as much as I love it, something isn’t right and nothing happy is happening around. I’m tired, and I just want to lay myself down beside Daisie in a comfortable place with fresh air and nice stuffs around.