This year’s Ramadhan is a whole new level of challenging month, and very different from the previous years of Ramadhan. It was my 4th year observing the fast and the holyness of the month although I think I might have not gained as much benefit as I’ve gained during the previous years.
Last year especially since I was pregnant, I was not able to fast most of the time because of dehydration and fatigue plus whatnots – and also merely because I was still a teacher and I was using my energy and voice to teach / talk / think. It was hard, with the stuffs I would have to carry to school and back everyday. This year since I was not working anymore, I thought that it would definitely be easier but it definitely was not – breastfeeding. But who would have thought that I managed to fast. The first week although, I had fever and flu I guess from the fasting so right there I had to miss. There definitely are opinions stating that we don’t have to fast (mothers – pregnant or breastfeeding) and we just have to feed the poor not even have to make it.
Anywho, it was indeed my fourth year and being a little weak to fast has drawn so much judgement to this self. Example, said things like how an adult has to manage fasting because of it’s physical being able to, how when I didn’t fast and it is something to be embarassed of, or maybe the fact that I missed some days is a huge deal for some. But even if it is sinful, isn’t it supposed to be a problem between you and Allah?
This year worst still, I did not manage to pray tarawikh even once. I had to take care of Daisie, well it’s not that I am using her as an excuse to not fast (I could have done tarawikh when she is in deep sleep say around 1am to before Fajr) but I got tired too and had to wake up at 4am to prepare food for sahoor (and am not using that as an excuse for not performing tarawikh! And tahajood! Omg). But having people surrounding telling me things like “hey no fret, it’s ok” / “you’re awesome because you put your husband and baby first before you” / “let me buy you coffee just so you can feel better” is so cool (even it’s just a quote / post e.g. from Sh. Omar Suleiman or NAK). At least it made me feel good. Rather than those telling me how others can do so can I.
I wanted Ramadhan to end because I couldn’t do much and I was constantly tired. But at the same time I want it to be Ramadhan all the time because of the rewards.
Positively, don’t fret. Cause we’re not alone in this. There’s definitely Allah who is with us all the time, and please if there are other mothers out there who feel the same, please do say hi. We are so in need of supports yo!