Ramadhan came and went away…

This year’s Ramadhan is a whole new level of challenging month, and very different from the previous years of Ramadhan. It was my 4th year observing the fast and the holyness of the month although I think I might have not gained as much benefit as I’ve gained during the previous years. 

Last year especially since I was pregnant, I was not able to fast most of the time because of dehydration and fatigue plus whatnots – and also merely because I was still a teacher and I was using my energy and voice to teach / talk / think. It was hard, with the stuffs I would have to carry to school and back everyday. This year since I was not working anymore, I thought that it would definitely be easier but it definitely was not – breastfeeding. But who would have thought that I managed to fast. The first week although, I had fever and flu I guess from the fasting so right there I had to miss. There definitely are opinions stating that we don’t have to fast (mothers – pregnant or breastfeeding) and we just have to feed the poor not even have to make it. 

Anywho, it was indeed my fourth year and being a little weak to fast has drawn so much judgement to this self. Example, said things like how an adult has to manage fasting because of it’s physical being able to, how when I didn’t fast and it is something to be embarassed of, or maybe the fact that I missed some days is a huge deal for some. But even if it is sinful, isn’t it supposed to be a problem between you and Allah? 

This year worst still, I did not manage to pray tarawikh even once. I had to take care of Daisie, well it’s not that I am using her as an excuse to not fast (I could have done tarawikh when she is in deep sleep say around 1am to before Fajr) but I got tired too and had to wake up at 4am to prepare food for sahoor (and am not using that as an excuse for not performing tarawikh! And tahajood! Omg). But having people surrounding telling me things like “hey no fret, it’s ok” / “you’re awesome because you put your husband and baby first before you” / “let me buy you coffee just so you can feel better” is so cool (even it’s just a quote / post e.g. from Sh. Omar Suleiman or NAK). At least it made me feel good. Rather than those telling me how others can do so can I. 

Ah. 

I wanted Ramadhan to end because I couldn’t do much and I was constantly tired. But at the same time I want it to be Ramadhan all the time because of the rewards. 

But positively. 

Positively, don’t fret. Cause we’re not alone in this. There’s definitely Allah who is with us all the time, and please if there are other mothers out there who feel the same, please do say hi. We are so in need of supports yo!

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A Little Throwback

Last year today was a really special day that I’m forever grateful of. Last year today, I found out that I was pregnant with baby Daisie. Let’s throwback to what happened and how it happened. 

On Thursday, 21st of April 2016 the evening, my colleagues and I were supposed to have a game of basketball. At that time I was feeling pukey and always drowsy, and I totally thought that it was caused by the diet I was on (I was on a period of substituting my meals with protein shakes and was doing lots of sports). One of the sports’ couch found out that it wasn’t right that I am feeling this pukey so she didn’t allow me to play and asked me to go and check whether I’m pregnant or not. But I (as usual) wasn’t intrigued, didn’t want to be too bothered because my period was always irregular. Just to clear my mind of things and be sure, I went to a drugstore that night to get a pregnancy test kit, and I peed on it. 

Super fade second line!

Peed on it, the first line was bright and the second line was super duper fade. And being the un-intrigued me, I threw the stick in the garbage bin and I thought that the fade line doesn’t mean a thing. Texted my sister and she said CONGRATULATIONS YOU’RE PREGNANT! Wow I was so surprised, I didn’t expect being pregnant, and just to be sure again, the following day I went to the doctor for a scan. Indeed, I was pregnant. In the sonogram, we could see the sac. 

Tiny little sac.

Indeed it was a good news, so I broke it to my husband who was staying in Lumut for about 2 weeks. Our feelings were quite undescribable at that moment as we didn’t know what to feel. But of course a while on, we were so happy and grateful that this happened, and then the amazing pregnancy experience that both of us have lived for nearly ten months! And, at that moment I’ve already knew that Daisie would be the name for our baby if she was a girl and indeed she is. ❤️

Baby Daisie, if you happen to read this, please always remember that at this moment of mommy’s life, I’ve never been happier, to know that you’re about the arrive in our lives. When you came, it was at the perfect time for daddy and mommy because we were not that happy and ever since we learnt about you, we couldn’t be more grateful although there are a few hiccups here and there in our relationship. Alhamdulillah, may Allah always bless us with this feeling of happiness and blissfulness, today was the throwback day that I knew I need to note it down so that you’ll be able to read it some day when you’re older. Daddy and mommy have loved you so much even when you were in the tiny sac in the scan above. ❤️

Baby’s Arrival

I can’t believe that I’m about to be a mom, in less than 48 hours! (Hopefully…) I’m still seriously wondering on how am I going to be as a mother, and how will my husband be as a father. It’s so nerve wrecking at the same time exciting to know that we’re receiving our bundle of joy very very soon, but not knowing how parenting would work for us. I really hope that things will work out very well for us, despite any hardships that we’re going to face and I just hope that both my husband and I will be ready and have lots of patience in regards to educating our child (or children).

Baby Daisie’s set to see the world tomorrow, 16th of December 2016 but I have a feeling that she’s not going to come out yet tomorrow. She loves staying inside my tummy I guess! Doctor Jason (my gynae) from Bagan Specialist Center Butterworth (will blog about this hospital soon) told me that Daisie would be out in 7 days from the 5th of December, which technically means that I would see her on the 12th of December (12/12/16 what a nice date and it falls on the same date as our Prophet pbuh’s birthday too!) but she hasn’t arrived yet so I guess, she really loves it in there! Hihi. We have scheduled an inducing labor for Saturday in case I don’t experience any contraction tomorrow. Well I don’t think it’s any of Daisie’s fault, as when I went for the last check up 2 days ago, Doctor Jason told me that baby’s head is 2 centimeters away from the outlet, so it’s actually –> me <— as my uterus and the whole system is not ready for labor yet! Bad mommy!

I can’t wait for my husband to be back tomorrow night, and off to the hospital we go Saturday morning! (Real early, appointment is set to be at 7 am!) I’m nervous, i’m excited, I can’t wait, I look forward, I’m a little bit scared of the pain, and gosh I can’t really sleep right now thinking of it! One last planning for us tomorrow night before having an additional to the family, let’s maybe have a date only the both of us husband and wife tomorrow somewhere having dessert or something!

Ifs…

If I can show you my worries and my sadness knowing that you’ll be seeing the world which is now a less happier world than the one I’ve enjoyed living in, would you be mad at me for bringing you into it?

If I can show you the numberless cries, fights, emotional breakdowns and wrecks that I’ve had and still having when carrying you for these 9 months, would you be mad at me for feeding you with this negativity while you were uncomfortably installed in my belly?

If I can show you my stretch marks, my swollen feet, the acne on my back and the breakdown on my face, would you appreciate me more for suffering all these changes on my body that I’ve never gone through before having you?

If I can show you, the numerous times I get my fatigues because I really couldn’t control myself doing work, standing or just sitting, would you love me more for going through all this even though sometimes I felt a little ashamed of myself looking like a lazy slug where as I was just tired and needed rest?

If you can see, how demotivated I get sometimes when other “experienced” mothers try to give their opinions and expect me to tell them what they said and told were right, but I actually didn’t want to hear anymore advises because different mothers really do experience differently, would you encourage and motivate me telling me everything is going to be alright mommy?

I would give anything in my life for you to be living a healthy life, my dear Daisie. I would give you the best, that no one can ever think of providing, just so you lead a better life than I’ve led. I will teach you, educate you, tell you everything you need to know to be a good and a kind person, just like how your grandma taught me to. I will never neglect you when you do wrong, I will never hate you when you do bad, and I will never stop telling you that things will always go your way when you want it to be. I will love you with all my life, and as much as I want daddy to love me with all his life, I am sure that he too, will give his all to you.

35th Week Today 

Happy 35th week my dear Daisie. You’re huge now. Dr. Jason, my gynae told me that I’m overweight and baby’s overweight too so we have to stop binge eating good food and hopefully Daisie doesn’t grow too fast and much or else Mommy’s gonna have a hard time delivering. But no matter how hard it is and how tough it’s going to be, with Allah’s will, Mommy will try my best and make sure you’re out healthily to see the world my dear. I can’t wait to see you.

Forever Wishing List

  • I want to have my own place, and space.
  • I want to have a reason to wake up in the morning.
  • I want to have the time and the mood to read my books and drink my coffee.
  • I want to have the urge to practice yoga again, and go running again.
  • I want baby Daisie to have a proper home and a proper space when she’s out from my tummy.
  • I want baby Daisie to get a very good nanny, as good to be compared to my mom.