I Love You No Matter What…

I love you no matter what. – I guess everyone would have said this before, regardless if it’s said to their partners, parents or like in my case, my dear daughter. 

I do love her, so much, no matter what. But at the same time, being patient (for the umpteenth times) is just so difficult. Babies might have their tantrum but parents do too. Like today, my anger was passed to Little Daisie – I was mad at my dear hubby for playing his games on the phone and Daisie almost fell from the bed while I was cleaning up after bathing Daisie. (Why do all men play games anyway?) And when Daisie shows her tantrum, ahhh… that’s just the right time for me to scream, shout and sigh out loud. 

Being a mother is by far, the most difficult task that I have ever needed to do. Nevertheless I love being a mother especially to Daisie and having her in my life has changed me so much. One of my ex-students told me that she has foreseen that I will not be a mother that soon, but seeing me being submissive to my little one was such a shocking sight to her. Being a mother changed my priorities… Daisie will always be put first in line, where as my husband who was once numéro un is now numéro deux. Having Daisie in my life showed me that I could love someone more than the love I thought I had for my husband. Eternal and unconditional. 

Baby Daisie and her teether ❤️

Dear Daisie, please forgive mommy if mommy is always screaming and shouting at you. 😦

Mommy loves you no matter what. 

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Ramadhan came and went away…

This year’s Ramadhan is a whole new level of challenging month, and very different from the previous years of Ramadhan. It was my 4th year observing the fast and the holyness of the month although I think I might have not gained as much benefit as I’ve gained during the previous years. 

Last year especially since I was pregnant, I was not able to fast most of the time because of dehydration and fatigue plus whatnots – and also merely because I was still a teacher and I was using my energy and voice to teach / talk / think. It was hard, with the stuffs I would have to carry to school and back everyday. This year since I was not working anymore, I thought that it would definitely be easier but it definitely was not – breastfeeding. But who would have thought that I managed to fast. The first week although, I had fever and flu I guess from the fasting so right there I had to miss. There definitely are opinions stating that we don’t have to fast (mothers – pregnant or breastfeeding) and we just have to feed the poor not even have to make it. 

Anywho, it was indeed my fourth year and being a little weak to fast has drawn so much judgement to this self. Example, said things like how an adult has to manage fasting because of it’s physical being able to, how when I didn’t fast and it is something to be embarassed of, or maybe the fact that I missed some days is a huge deal for some. But even if it is sinful, isn’t it supposed to be a problem between you and Allah? 

This year worst still, I did not manage to pray tarawikh even once. I had to take care of Daisie, well it’s not that I am using her as an excuse to not fast (I could have done tarawikh when she is in deep sleep say around 1am to before Fajr) but I got tired too and had to wake up at 4am to prepare food for sahoor (and am not using that as an excuse for not performing tarawikh! And tahajood! Omg). But having people surrounding telling me things like “hey no fret, it’s ok” / “you’re awesome because you put your husband and baby first before you” / “let me buy you coffee just so you can feel better” is so cool (even it’s just a quote / post e.g. from Sh. Omar Suleiman or NAK). At least it made me feel good. Rather than those telling me how others can do so can I. 

Ah. 

I wanted Ramadhan to end because I couldn’t do much and I was constantly tired. But at the same time I want it to be Ramadhan all the time because of the rewards. 

But positively. 

Positively, don’t fret. Cause we’re not alone in this. There’s definitely Allah who is with us all the time, and please if there are other mothers out there who feel the same, please do say hi. We are so in need of supports yo!

When she cries…

Today (or I rather say lately) things have gone really bad for me and thus worsen my anger management. Today was such a bad day that I hope it will never happen again anytime. 

I attended my students’ graduation at school today, and we had a really great time gathering, talking and taking pictures. We were supposed to have dinner together after maghrib at Decanter, but the ceremony ended early so I decided to drop by at my sister’s after the graduation to bathe Daisie and rest for a bit and go to Decanter at 6pm to be able to reach by 7. 

I should have known, that the traffic will be extra mad at that hour as people would be rushing home from work to make it for iftar but I didn’t expect for Daisie to be that cranky because she is always calm and she would always sleep in the car. But she didn’t. She cried so much and so loudly for such a long time and I was under this stress that if it prolonged and I didn’t find a way out, I think I would ramp into cars! The traffic was efffffing bad. And Daisie kept on screaming and I kept on screaming at her and she screamed back with so much tears rolling on her cheeks and I panicked, at the same time screaming I felt guilty but she kept on shouting so I was really under a lot of stress! It was the worst. I couldn’t describe how bad it is but it was very bad. Horrible. The worst day of my life. The worst things I’ve done to Daisie. Worst. 

So what happened that I didn’t ramp into cars? As usual when there’s traffic jam in Malaysia particularly Kuala Lumpur on the Federal Highway during working hours both direction (if you read this you better off avoid this damn road), cars will always use the emergency lane and police will always be on standby at the emergency lane to catch these buggers. I figured out that I’ll use the emergency lane and go as fast as I could to reach a place I would stop, and if there’s police, I’ll tell them that I need to nurse my baby. Little did I know, cars tried to go into the left lane because there were legit police cars on standby. I screamed again with my emergency lights on, like “move away!! I’m on emergency here!!!” I drove all the way and stopped right in front of the police. Well he saw my car and he gave me a weird look and I guess he figured that I’m really on emergency. I winded down my window and it just happened that I cried and told him could you please let me nurse my baby she’s very hungry. The man could see Daisie crying so he let me, not only that he actually told his colleagues so that they won’t bug me! I quickly carried Daisie out of her seat and put her onto my arms and there she was… suckling and snuggling into my bosom and I felt a relief. A guilty relieve but I was also thankful to be able to have her in my arms. 

Eventually Daisie nursed till she slept and I almost wanted to tell my students and ex-colleagues that I’m not making to the dinner and I wanted to have Daisie sleeping in my arms forever there. Hahaha. A few mins after she slept, I placed her on the seat but she refused to so I carried and sooth her a little till she got well. I thanked the policeman so much, what a kind man he is and I am really genuinely thankful, may Allah blesses him and all kind policeman for making the world a better place. 

But I’m still mad at myself for screaming at Daisie. I am such a sick lil woman I wish I could smack myself to wake up from being such a bad mother 🙁

It’s these kinda bad and sore memories that will be forever in my mind and I will find it so hard to forgive myself. This is the 3rd time of me yelling at her but this time is the worst. Ya Allah please make me a better mom and please place more patience in me…

Crying when held by mami Sarah… cranky lil girl! This is how it looks like when she cries!

Rant of the day

Today is just a very stressful day. And when I’m stressed out, I tend to think a lot, reminisce to the past especially when I am not doing anything (thus this post). My master’s degree, the fact that I should be working but I’m not, house work or chores, finance and baby Daisie’s well being : these are the things that have been taking it’s toll on me. I’m not rambling at how hard I need to do all that but I sometimes just want to be understood and be told “hey, it’s ok… take a little time off having dessert… don’t stress yourself out because you’re wonderful… you’ve done a great job…“. 

So what’s the utmost issue that stresses me out today : not being able to sit for my exams in the embassy but to pay an hourly fee to a language centre that costs a lot and having to be away from baby Daisie for a few hours. I mean… who’s going to take care of her during my absence? Sigh. 

Totally different topic here :

I’ve been thinking and I’ve always tried to console myself asking myself not to think et cetera. But I feel like to some people, I worth nothing to them and I will always be a person who is not as respected as I should be. I realize that I’m not as good as a good Muslim should be, but everyday is really trying to me. But it probably is my fault as people judge according to what they see. Sometimes I feel like time’s eating and I miss whatever that happens in the past. I know I have Daisie now and I should be a role model but it would be so taxing to always have to be a role model. I just want to be happier, and I want Daisie to be happy too. The reality is, I don’t see how and I’m struggling. 

I count my blessing everyday and as much as I love it, something isn’t right and nothing happy is happening around. I’m tired, and I just want to lay myself down beside Daisie in a comfortable place with fresh air and nice stuffs around. 

Baby’s Arrival

I can’t believe that I’m about to be a mom, in less than 48 hours! (Hopefully…) I’m still seriously wondering on how am I going to be as a mother, and how will my husband be as a father. It’s so nerve wrecking at the same time exciting to know that we’re receiving our bundle of joy very very soon, but not knowing how parenting would work for us. I really hope that things will work out very well for us, despite any hardships that we’re going to face and I just hope that both my husband and I will be ready and have lots of patience in regards to educating our child (or children).

Baby Daisie’s set to see the world tomorrow, 16th of December 2016 but I have a feeling that she’s not going to come out yet tomorrow. She loves staying inside my tummy I guess! Doctor Jason (my gynae) from Bagan Specialist Center Butterworth (will blog about this hospital soon) told me that Daisie would be out in 7 days from the 5th of December, which technically means that I would see her on the 12th of December (12/12/16 what a nice date and it falls on the same date as our Prophet pbuh’s birthday too!) but she hasn’t arrived yet so I guess, she really loves it in there! Hihi. We have scheduled an inducing labor for Saturday in case I don’t experience any contraction tomorrow. Well I don’t think it’s any of Daisie’s fault, as when I went for the last check up 2 days ago, Doctor Jason told me that baby’s head is 2 centimeters away from the outlet, so it’s actually –> me <— as my uterus and the whole system is not ready for labor yet! Bad mommy!

I can’t wait for my husband to be back tomorrow night, and off to the hospital we go Saturday morning! (Real early, appointment is set to be at 7 am!) I’m nervous, i’m excited, I can’t wait, I look forward, I’m a little bit scared of the pain, and gosh I can’t really sleep right now thinking of it! One last planning for us tomorrow night before having an additional to the family, let’s maybe have a date only the both of us husband and wife tomorrow somewhere having dessert or something!

Why do unconditionnal, romantic, expressing and sweet uttered love end when we sign the marriage contract? Does this happen to everyone, or does this only happen to very few? God is great, but why does this admittedly unconditionnal love becomes conditionnal when one of the partners suffer change not because we want to but because we’re under pressure? Of all people, why do I have to be silently living with this even though I’ve been the one who sacrificed the most out of this relationship? And besides all these, why do I still love my husband no matter what I am put into. 

Ifs…

If I can show you my worries and my sadness knowing that you’ll be seeing the world which is now a less happier world than the one I’ve enjoyed living in, would you be mad at me for bringing you into it?

If I can show you the numberless cries, fights, emotional breakdowns and wrecks that I’ve had and still having when carrying you for these 9 months, would you be mad at me for feeding you with this negativity while you were uncomfortably installed in my belly?

If I can show you my stretch marks, my swollen feet, the acne on my back and the breakdown on my face, would you appreciate me more for suffering all these changes on my body that I’ve never gone through before having you?

If I can show you, the numerous times I get my fatigues because I really couldn’t control myself doing work, standing or just sitting, would you love me more for going through all this even though sometimes I felt a little ashamed of myself looking like a lazy slug where as I was just tired and needed rest?

If you can see, how demotivated I get sometimes when other “experienced” mothers try to give their opinions and expect me to tell them what they said and told were right, but I actually didn’t want to hear anymore advises because different mothers really do experience differently, would you encourage and motivate me telling me everything is going to be alright mommy?

I would give anything in my life for you to be living a healthy life, my dear Daisie. I would give you the best, that no one can ever think of providing, just so you lead a better life than I’ve led. I will teach you, educate you, tell you everything you need to know to be a good and a kind person, just like how your grandma taught me to. I will never neglect you when you do wrong, I will never hate you when you do bad, and I will never stop telling you that things will always go your way when you want it to be. I will love you with all my life, and as much as I want daddy to love me with all his life, I am sure that he too, will give his all to you.