Ifs…

If I can show you my worries and my sadness knowing that you’ll be seeing the world which is now a less happier world than the one I’ve enjoyed living in, would you be mad at me for bringing you into it?

If I can show you the numberless cries, fights, emotional breakdowns and wrecks that I’ve had and still having when carrying you for these 9 months, would you be mad at me for feeding you with this negativity while you were uncomfortably installed in my belly?

If I can show you my stretch marks, my swollen feet, the acne on my back and the breakdown on my face, would you appreciate me more for suffering all these changes on my body that I’ve never gone through before having you?

If I can show you, the numerous times I get my fatigues because I really couldn’t control myself doing work, standing or just sitting, would you love me more for going through all this even though sometimes I felt a little ashamed of myself looking like a lazy slug where as I was just tired and needed rest?

If you can see, how demotivated I get sometimes when other “experienced” mothers try to give their opinions and expect me to tell them what they said and told were right, but I actually didn’t want to hear anymore advises because different mothers really do experience differently, would you encourage and motivate me telling me everything is going to be alright mommy?

I would give anything in my life for you to be living a healthy life, my dear Daisie. I would give you the best, that no one can ever think of providing, just so you lead a better life than I’ve led. I will teach you, educate you, tell you everything you need to know to be a good and a kind person, just like how your grandma taught me to. I will never neglect you when you do wrong, I will never hate you when you do bad, and I will never stop telling you that things will always go your way when you want it to be. I will love you with all my life, and as much as I want daddy to love me with all his life, I am sure that he too, will give his all to you.

35th Week Today 

Happy 35th week my dear Daisie. You’re huge now. Dr. Jason, my gynae told me that I’m overweight and baby’s overweight too so we have to stop binge eating good food and hopefully Daisie doesn’t grow too fast and much or else Mommy’s gonna have a hard time delivering. But no matter how hard it is and how tough it’s going to be, with Allah’s will, Mommy will try my best and make sure you’re out healthily to see the world my dear. I can’t wait to see you.

Forever Wishing List

  • I want to have my own place, and space.
  • I want to have a reason to wake up in the morning.
  • I want to have the time and the mood to read my books and drink my coffee.
  • I want to have the urge to practice yoga again, and go running again.
  • I want baby Daisie to have a proper home and a proper space when she’s out from my tummy.
  • I want baby Daisie to get a very good nanny, as good to be compared to my mom.

Worthless…

Don’t really know what to do and how to react to the same situation again. All these sacrifices don’t seem like it’s something to be appreciated by people around. People who are supposed to care. It always seem like they are the ones who worth more and mean more. Deciding things for me, putting me in a situation to make me look like I worthless. Why do I exist again… 😦

Lost Privacy

The saddest thing that can happen to a person is when he/she loses his/her privacy under circumstances he/she can’t control. And to top of the sadness by talking about this sadness, this current situation is currently happening to yours truly. 

Being the guardian of the girls in the school residence, for 3 years of my service I used to have a room all to myself. A room I slept in every night of weeks I am on my duty. A room I be in when girls have problems to talk to me about. A room in where I worked my ass off every evening to make sure I don’t have overnight work. And a room where I used as my personal and private corner I have all to myself. But now no more, since the new school policy is : guardians need to share rooms with other guardians. Reason stated : budget issues. 

I’m tired of always taking care of losses the school is making. And I’m even more tired to initiate new things and build blocks to make the school stronger where as I’ve never been appreciated with a free thank you note or even a bigger paycheck that allows me to pay my car debt every month. I’m tired of always putting my girls upfront, feeling flattered by pats at the backs because right now it means just nothing to me. I don’t need a pat at the back, I need a bigger paycheck to sustain our lives. 

Why not opt for a change, I asked myself. It’s not like I owe anything to this current place, and it’s not like I’ve been given the most special treatment here.