Baby’s Arrival

I can’t believe that I’m about to be a mom, in less than 48 hours! (Hopefully…) I’m still seriously wondering on how am I going to be as a mother, and how will my husband be as a father. It’s so nerve wrecking at the same time exciting to know that we’re receiving our bundle of joy very very soon, but not knowing how parenting would work for us. I really hope that things will work out very well for us, despite any hardships that we’re going to face and I just hope that both my husband and I will be ready and have lots of patience in regards to educating our child (or children).

Baby Daisie’s set to see the world tomorrow, 16th of December 2016 but I have a feeling that she’s not going to come out yet tomorrow. She loves staying inside my tummy I guess! Doctor Jason (my gynae) from Bagan Specialist Center Butterworth (will blog about this hospital soon) told me that Daisie would be out in 7 days from the 5th of December, which technically means that I would see her on the 12th of December (12/12/16 what a nice date and it falls on the same date as our Prophet pbuh’s birthday too!) but she hasn’t arrived yet so I guess, she really loves it in there! Hihi. We have scheduled an inducing labor for Saturday in case I don’t experience any contraction tomorrow. Well I don’t think it’s any of Daisie’s fault, as when I went for the last check up 2 days ago, Doctor Jason told me that baby’s head is 2 centimeters away from the outlet, so it’s actually –> me <— as my uterus and the whole system is not ready for labor yet! Bad mommy!

I can’t wait for my husband to be back tomorrow night, and off to the hospital we go Saturday morning! (Real early, appointment is set to be at 7 am!) I’m nervous, i’m excited, I can’t wait, I look forward, I’m a little bit scared of the pain, and gosh I can’t really sleep right now thinking of it! One last planning for us tomorrow night before having an additional to the family, let’s maybe have a date only the both of us husband and wife tomorrow somewhere having dessert or something!

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Why do unconditionnal, romantic, expressing and sweet uttered love end when we sign the marriage contract? Does this happen to everyone, or does this only happen to very few? God is great, but why does this admittedly unconditionnal love becomes conditionnal when one of the partners suffer change not because we want to but because we’re under pressure? Of all people, why do I have to be silently living with this even though I’ve been the one who sacrificed the most out of this relationship? And besides all these, why do I still love my husband no matter what I am put into. 

Ifs…

If I can show you my worries and my sadness knowing that you’ll be seeing the world which is now a less happier world than the one I’ve enjoyed living in, would you be mad at me for bringing you into it?

If I can show you the numberless cries, fights, emotional breakdowns and wrecks that I’ve had and still having when carrying you for these 9 months, would you be mad at me for feeding you with this negativity while you were uncomfortably installed in my belly?

If I can show you my stretch marks, my swollen feet, the acne on my back and the breakdown on my face, would you appreciate me more for suffering all these changes on my body that I’ve never gone through before having you?

If I can show you, the numerous times I get my fatigues because I really couldn’t control myself doing work, standing or just sitting, would you love me more for going through all this even though sometimes I felt a little ashamed of myself looking like a lazy slug where as I was just tired and needed rest?

If you can see, how demotivated I get sometimes when other “experienced” mothers try to give their opinions and expect me to tell them what they said and told were right, but I actually didn’t want to hear anymore advises because different mothers really do experience differently, would you encourage and motivate me telling me everything is going to be alright mommy?

I would give anything in my life for you to be living a healthy life, my dear Daisie. I would give you the best, that no one can ever think of providing, just so you lead a better life than I’ve led. I will teach you, educate you, tell you everything you need to know to be a good and a kind person, just like how your grandma taught me to. I will never neglect you when you do wrong, I will never hate you when you do bad, and I will never stop telling you that things will always go your way when you want it to be. I will love you with all my life, and as much as I want daddy to love me with all his life, I am sure that he too, will give his all to you.

35th Week Today 

Happy 35th week my dear Daisie. You’re huge now. Dr. Jason, my gynae told me that I’m overweight and baby’s overweight too so we have to stop binge eating good food and hopefully Daisie doesn’t grow too fast and much or else Mommy’s gonna have a hard time delivering. But no matter how hard it is and how tough it’s going to be, with Allah’s will, Mommy will try my best and make sure you’re out healthily to see the world my dear. I can’t wait to see you.

Forever Wishing List

  • I want to have my own place, and space.
  • I want to have a reason to wake up in the morning.
  • I want to have the time and the mood to read my books and drink my coffee.
  • I want to have the urge to practice yoga again, and go running again.
  • I want baby Daisie to have a proper home and a proper space when she’s out from my tummy.
  • I want baby Daisie to get a very good nanny, as good to be compared to my mom.

Worthless…

Don’t really know what to do and how to react to the same situation again. All these sacrifices don’t seem like it’s something to be appreciated by people around. People who are supposed to care. It always seem like they are the ones who worth more and mean more. Deciding things for me, putting me in a situation to make me look like I worthless. Why do I exist again… 😦